Esther..

Lol so as I was writing the above headline "Esther" the strangest thought came to my mind.By the way its the Esther in the Bible.I started thhinking mmmh I wonder what her last name was and then wondered some more hey did people in the Bible have last names lol I know ....the randomness of that idea...no seriously like was it Abraham Smith or Jacob Brown or Peter now that I think about it the only two name person I can think of in the Bible is Simon-Peter oh and Mary-Magdalene like what was Moses second name or Saul or Joshua or did Jews used to only use one name like where did this whole two or three name business come from I dunno I should contact a dear lady in D.C who would help me out she is Hebrew to the core and teaches Jewish culture....so anyway why I thought of Esther is I stumbled upon such a deep verse in the book of Esther this morning its Esther 4;14 "For if you remain silent at this time relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place but you and your fathers family will perish.And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
It was basically Mordecai askig Esther to help out the Jews who were all about to be killed after some crazy guy Haman wanted all Jews killed after Mordecai refused to bow down to him.Esther at the time was one of the queens but a Jew.So anyway I like the part he says and who knows that you have come to royal position for a time such as this???Like I was thinking do you ever wonder why you are where you are.Is it coincidence that you have the power to make so many things happen that can absolutely alter the course of yoru life and so many other people.Like there is a reason why you have been placed where you are - have the resources you have.Either way Gods plan will work whethe ror not you use what he has given you..I dunno another random moment I had to blog about...

Through the Looking glass - Kwa Dirisha baby!!!

So a friend of mine and I were in Boston recently well actually it was in the summer.She told me about some glass exhibit and I was like am down - you know my randomness am down for whatever sounds fun...so the guy is called chihuly he blows glass for a living here are some pics I found preety nice...I think I may take a class on glass blowing looks like fun...oh and note the price I had to take the price of one of his pieces just for laughs

study for this study for that study study study aaaghhh

So I am such a Good morning America fanatic yani my head alarm clock is tuned to seven a.m every morning to watch Robin and whats the other guys name?? so anyhu the thing I really do not like is when I hear these famous words, "A new study out shows" bla bla bla.I mean its all fine and dandy studies have led to so many breakthroughs in the field of medicine, weight watching, kids in school but PALEASE!!!Gimme a break the other day it was a new study out shows "two cups of coffee a day may actually reduce your risk of basal cell carcinoma" aka skin cancer ok well fine I get it there are some scientists who spend their lives doing all this research and its great absolutely but really - the classic we are at the store with some lady and she tells me oh no dont get too many bananas studies show they have too much pottasium.Theoretically its true bananas are a good source of pottasium but seriously I honestly asked can you really have too many bananas?? and she goes like well thats what the experts say...WHO ARE THE EXPERTS????You are the expert of yourself why wait for a new study to tell you cigarrete smoking is harmful to your health or isnt it obvious that children who play outside longer are more social and less prone to anti-social behaviours compared to kids who spend most of their time playing video games???Its such a great thing that the world is changing drastically and at sich an alarming rate.And gosh so much good stuff has come out of all the research - from breakthroughs in stem cell research to even acne treatment to technology changes - I mean think about how we used to watch VCRs and listen to tapes you could rewind and forward with a pen lol???However there is a saying I just saw somwhere in French "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" the more things change the more they remain the same...so great job wiith all the studies out there but truth be told life is that mysery that no scientist can ever fully explain and thats how it was intended so live and let live.Some studies are very useful and some studies are in the words of Harry Potter hogwash....thats my story and am sticking to it....

Boyce avenue!!

My new found band is in town - they will be performing tommorrow night at the Roxy in Boston I had looked at tickets a while back and they were twenty bucks and now they are a whole 68 dollars!!!But they do amazing renditions of songs here is one of my faves tracey chapman fast car...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4zCOHFrLVY

Hapo niligongwa...lakini ni sawa;)

lol lol so today I was walking into the house after an exam ready to take my mid day naps - yeah am like a little cat I nap anywhere anytime anyhow...so anyhu...as I was walking into the house I meet a lady who begins to tell me this sob story of how her father is at MGH he had just been admitted with a stroke - she said this was his third one and she was crying...apparently she did not have enough money on the train she had pandad in Beverly and they kicked her out once she got to Salem - so the long of the short she wanted money to catch the train into Boston.She even went on to show me two dollars she had been given my someone.So in my head my initial instinct was to tell her that I did not have money - which I seriously had left my wallet in my car coz I knew I was in only for a nap...but after a quick minute I said you know what if she is lying let God deal with her.So I swallowed the ka big potato of words that I was about to say and instead said, "Oh am so sorry to hear that my wallet is in my car we can cross the street its right there and I see what I can do - yani I even told her my wallet was in my car.." - gosh if it was a stand up and she had a gun I would have been robbed silly...so I gave her the money I had in my wallet and she was like oh can I take your number and call you and pay you back and DUH am like of course not....pesa ya train hauna simu sasa atatoa wapi....so we parted ways for a minute there I thought hapo nimegongwa lakini ni sawa lol but hey like I said let God deal with her if she as lying... and of course I proceeded to take my nap and of course as soon as I had woke up I had even forgotten the incident until now - gosh anyone who knows me knows how I forget things so fast - sometimes its my strengh but many times its also a weakness....all the same I think I have the worst short term memory - I really do not remember things easily...oh well whatever...oh and today Wangari Maathai passed away - I was talking to my mum and we were saying how people are not even sad you know mourning - coz her life I can describe it like that budding rose that each year a petal opened and opened that by the time of her death all her petals were open and her rose was fully bloomed. Yani a woman who fought for what she believed in - yani hugging trees hadi GSU had to tear her apart from her trees and at 71 she looked radiant.RIP Kare!!!

8 years later - Does time really heal??

So today is September 26th a day that we will always remember in our family when my older sister was involved in a road crash...I have compiled pics of us together...there are no words to describe her no blog big enough to write about her but hey as they say pics say 1000 words...They say time heals and here I am 8 years later asking myself does time really heal or is it mans defense mechanism of coping with loss..For me the day I went to see her in the ICU is still fresh in my mind - seeing all the tubes and machines and hearing the oxygen beeps, the halo tract to keep her neck steady the trach tube that prevented her from talking the tears rolling down her cheeks that I wiped away as I tried to hold my own tears back as I watched her lips move and say, "Hi Penny,"and there I was with the firmest face I replied, "you dont even look that bad ," as my heart broke into a million pieces coz I knew I was lying...I looked around the ICU and saw death stare me in th face and as I went to the bathroom I cried myself dry for a good ten minutes.When I went back and saw the vent machine go up and down - helping her breath I asked God to spare her life and I will sepnd the rest of mine taking care of her if thats what it takes.So here I am 8 years later - my sister turned tragedy into triumph....the wounds may still be fresh in my mind or maybe a psychologist would call it dysfunctional grief but all I can say is every time I think of her and the pains she has endured the mountains she crosses DAILY,the smile on her face even after surgery I am reminded that this life is not mine , the air in my lungs, the ability to brush my teeth, get out of bed each morning is nothing I ever want to take for granted..So maybe just maybe time does heal....

Burnout syndrome

Its almost midnight - as usual these are the times am still awake - gosh I am so not a morning person - the other day in clinical I was a wreck - and no one believed me when I told them "guys I am seriously not a morning person.." so anyhu where was I....so the other day as I was going to work I started thinking mmmhh where is my energy???I was literally not looking forward to going to work as in I was even happy that I will not be working Thursday coz of clinical and even at work it seems the hours are just breezing past.In my head am thinking ok when are the ladies going to bed I get on the computer and do my other work??Now that I think about I remember Bill Hybels speech at a recent leadership summit he talked of making sure you are not over challenged or underchallenged at the job you are doing.Taking it a step further I think both lead to the big B word BURNOUT!!!!Which is what I have been experienceing alot of late.I was having breakfast with a friend the other day- I was from work and she started feeling all sorry she was like oh no you must be so tired we can postpone our breakfast date and I told her oh no trust me I slept the whole shift at work.Later as I thought about it am like wow I know it sounds great and all being paid to sleep - but whats the challenge in that?where is the stimulation of the mind?where are the results of that?so back to my main story...diversion syndrome so anyhu...I think am getting to a point of burn out - and thats the one thing I told my friend as we were chatting - I would never like to be at a place in my life where I just do things to do things - where there is no joy in my work where am not giving 100%of myself.I think am ready for a career change - I guess we can call it the five year syndrome - I think every five years its ok to step back and look at yourself in the mirror - and ask where am I?Where am I going?Where will I be in the next five years?so back to burnout..a sad reality of most jobs in America is that they are so monotonous that burnout syndrome is rampant.If you think about it - for some they have grown to love their job - oh oh which brings me to another story - there is this guy who sells newspapers at corner near north station yani that guy can make your day he smiles at anyone who will smile and wishes you a good day whether you buy a paper or not - love it!!Then there are those who the monotony of work shows on their face - from the mean lady at the post office to the guy who rolls his eyes at the Toll bridge when your struglling looking for your tu coins...my point is most of the jobs in America more often than not are done "to pay the bills" or to "pay for school" and even worse is most of us live pay check to pay check as we await that "big break"...Burnout now that I think about it can occur on so many levels...its possible for so many things to burnout from friendships, to relationships,to careers, to sadly even marriages....so the next question becomes how do you keep that spark alive?how do you keep the fire burning in that marriage ,how do you regain that passion you once had for Christ,how do you rekindle that zeal for your career......I dont have answers to these questions but one thing I know I will not let burnout syndrome get the best of me

Who do I need to see to get stuff done??

So I have just thought of a funny joke my sister and I had , "You want your music played you have to push for it, " only she can get it and I really do not want to go into a whole tirade on explaining it but my point is I get so infuriated by people always passing the buck...where will the buck stop? I always listen to the jam scam on Jamin 945 and a common line I always hear is " Who is your manager?" or "can I speak to who is in charge?" but after gettign mad for a long while about having to pass through a hierachy of people I have sat back and realized that you know what mmmh...in life there are people you call movers and shakers people who get stuff done with just a phone call or a click of a button.Gosh I have come to experience this on so many occasions and I think I learnt from my dad a long time ago - there was a teacher who had disciplined my sister like serious beating for failing a class and she was so sick that day I think her hands got blisters bad ones etc etc heh dint Mr Marenge go to the headmistress of the school forget the class teacher or deputy am talking Headmistress the head honcho the big cahuna and you know how headmistresses in primary school are no nonsense so lon gof the short the teacher who had beat my sister was immediately terminated coz of the incident ...and not that am saying it was a chest thumping moment for my dad... far from it actually I think I learnt from that incident at an early age if you want results sometimes you need to use a top to bottom approach...not to say that you always over look the hierachy of power but sometimes the small timers will beat around the bush liek in taht case maybe the class teacher would have said "oh am so sorry to hear that Mr Marenge we will have a meeting and "see what to do" ...so anyway I was tutoring last semester and the whole tutor program is a mess at the nursing school there is such a great need for tutors they even give a 50 dollar bonus for signing up - of course you know am all about free stuff. there was a time I had almost three students at a go and am thinking no there is a breakdown in the system.So I approached the co-ordinator of the tutor program and told her what if we open a full time tutor center and I gave her my whole spiel on the hassles of one on one tutoring, scheduling finding a class etc etc and she did get the gist ...her response was so bland ati oh thanks for your suggestions let me be in touch with the chair and since then zero...so am like what the heck???so I emailed the chair of the nursing program last week and she better have a solid response for me or I will go to the school presidents office.Last year there was this international advisor who made so many international applicants miss their enrollment dates due to her negligence - you could call her and leave her voice mail after voice mail... i gave her three strikes after hearing so many complaints from different people I wrote the longest email to the head of admissions ..dint she return my call that day so apologetic saying oh this oh that let me look at the applications and I since then I heard she was changed from that role...again not chest thumping or anything but my point is there are times there is no point wasting time with the small timers there are problems they can solve and then there are just those things that need you to "take it from the top" literraly... so dont be scared or shy or feel intimidated.hey I always say am not afraid of rejection...the worst thing I can get is a no...so send those emails, make those calls...you will be surprised the people at the top are actually the ones with the kindest hearts and ready to help.....

If you give up when it is winter you will miss the joy of your spring the warmth of your summer an dthe promise of your fall......

Brian mcknight on a rainy day all day ;)

instead of studying for my exam tommorrow am tuned into brian mcknight hey its pouring outside hey what can a girl do - am a sucker for love like that...here is a hit i stumbled upon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJIOjGNbrmQ

Appreciation week 24-7 / 365

So there are usually all these appreciation days in the year...sister appreciation day pastor appreciation day etc etc and I think it should be appreciation day Monday to Monday Sunday through Sunday...why wait for my birthday to appreciate our friendship why wait for christmas to share Christs love.Maybe thats the reason am not so goo goo gaga over birthdays...the reason I am saying this is the other day as I was walkign up the stairs from work i pass this old guy and I mean old like full head of white hair old he must be in his seventies.So anyhu he is the volunteer who cleans the bathrooms every Monday morning can you imagine - I passed him on his hands on knees cleaning the floor and then the bath.I have for the longest time always wanted to tell him how much his work is appreciated.So I dashed in my room I have a whoel stack of cards - from baby shower to happy wedding day to good luck cards - yeah am a card junkie like that...and I picked out a thank you much appreciated card...so as I was writing the card it hit me I did not even know his name but was like what the heck I told him thanks for all your hard work and humor -he really does have a wild humor...so I gave him the card and he was like thank you he must have thought its a harambee invite or something lol..later I was told how he was in tears to the care taker describing how the card had absolutely lifted his spirits...and it got me thinking well this may seem like am goign off on a tangent as usual but I was discussing with some lady how the world is in such unrest right now - from riots in London to Libya I ws at western union and am like wow the dollar is buying at ninety.I look at refugees in Daadab but anyway back to the main shpill.So I think people in the world have so much anger and hurt its like the world is bleeding.Its like people have lost meaning to life.I was asking someone the other day how we give nani a reason to live again - how do we relight their flame , their passion for life???People are not satisfied with their jobs - oh yeah I was at a Panera Bread the other day and the Verizon workers next door were chanting going round in circles about how there rights are being violated at work.So my point is you may not be able to stop the riots in Libya or feed the five thousand in Daadab but you can reach out to your hurting neighbour / brother.Appreciate their life - try give them that reason to face tommorro.Who knows maybe my little old volunteer guy keeps the card on his mantle and looks at it every morning to give him a reason to get up and get going - knowing there is someone out there who sees me and what I do...so in this hurting broken world reach out, appreciate ....ok i have major major cramps am cranky as Flavor Flave would say you know what time it is lol lol I crack myself up... he he he
Oh oh I just saw this line from one of my emails I wrote when I had just "come to America."


"You cant achieve the impossible without attemping the absurd.."

Poetry - one language one passion one cause

Wow so first things first Happy Birthday to me Happy birthday to me!!I am officially quarter a century - the big 25 wow I was talking to Joan on my birthday and she goes like girl you need to start celebrating your five away from thirty and I go like wo when did I get here???so anyhu this week has been one of discovery well actualy thee past two weeks well let me not say discovery but more indulging in things that are near and dear to my heart - my passion projects...Friday I went to a glass blowing exhibit with a friend in Boston I just need to post the piccs you will be amazed at the beauty...Then this week the city of Cambridge has been priviledged to host the annual National Poetry Slam.Soem of the best and the greatest poets from around the nation meet annual to compete for the title its like the NBA title or the Superbowl in the wrodl of poetry.So my dear Ethiopian friend Fishstix is competing from Cali - apparently he is that good lol no but seriously he is good. and his coach is none other than Shihan - gosh I have been like a Shihan guru ever since I discovered def jam poetry and am hooked....so anyway Wednesday I was at All Asia - I signed up as a volunteer for the slam and boy was I blown away.I went alone and trust me the whole four hours can you imagine 4 hours I did not feel alone even for a minute.There was such an excitement and a warmth - as soon as a poet got off stage total strangers just hugged them and when a poet was on stage the silence was deafening.Someone asked me after the show when I was tellign them about it - were there mainly blacks?? and I was like heck no there were Japs, african americans, caucasians, latinos africans you name it - the lounge was a little U.N. And thats what I found to be the beauty of poetry.Once in the poetry lounge like I said I was alone but felt as though I knew everyone in the room.Poetry is like a unifying language it brings different passions different causes different ideas and condenses it in a simple and yet complex form - am I making sense??Gosh the depth of the poetry I heard on Wednesday just blew me away - from the earthquake in Japan to eating disorders, to sexuality to death - real issues happenign in real time.anyway am going for the semis so will let you know how that goes.Here is me with my main poet Shihan.

If someone else can be paid less to do the job your doing then its not worth doing -

Seth Godin

are we living in the same world???

So I was watching Lifeline at work today well yesterday and it was featuring the Taliban and the US in Afghanistan oh I would love to go to Afghanistan someday - I have read beautiful stories of this far off land that I just dream of one day walking down teh dusty streets and in the fruit markets with the women and playing the the children...so anyway looking at the kids in the clip playing with sticks and stones in their bombshell of a city - running up debris of bombed buildings.then they showed a typical classroom packed with kids and takign in every word like little sponges - coz they knew how lucky they were....okay flip over to my car this morning listening to the radio or was it a few days ago on the worsening situation in the refugee camp in Daadab - gosh I cried when they translated how some women are leaving their children on the way to the refugee camp to die becuse they cant make it - and they even translated how they looked in their childrens eyes as they walked away - can you imagine that a mother leaving her little one to die on the side of the road coz of being too weak to walk...I open my email PIH update from Haiti - the cholera outbreak has tripled - there is not enough aid or clean water people are dying and I ask myself is this 2011 are we living in the same world???Isarel Houghton put it best in his album love God love people...there is a song that has the lyrics

People dream of simple things
like worry free water
while some of us complain and fuss about things like internet connections

A mother pleads her baby screams this HIV is relentless
but my new web page is all the rage
OMG , lol like we should totally be friends

What if we could see what they see
Feel what they feel
Hear what they hear

The sun beats down on cracking ground
No food around for miles
The pizza deliverys late
It better be free am just saying just saying

so anyway I feel like wow here I am in a little town called Salem with a roof over my head, if i felt hungry like right now as I speak I can walk to the fridge and if I did not like what was there I could get in my car and drive to get whatever I wanted and then there is someone on the other side of the world who would just love a sip of water....Worse still here we are fussing and fighting over debt ceilings, and there is a family fussing and fighting over a loaf of bread...Like the other day I was at work and we woke up there was no electricity - yani power blackout and oh my goodness everyone breaks into a panic now no coffee no morning cartoons they start calling National grid frantically like whats going on???in my head am thinking ding dong!!!gosh I wish we can invent an exchange programme where middle aged families in america or any developed country could spend a week or even a month in some middle class family in some third world country...but then again maybe thats a little fantasy world in my head coz think about it will there ever be a day that we will be equals???

Mans search for meaning....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJtqkK7NQlA so this is the song on my mind - like I said in the last blog... so much has happened and of course music is my therapy when all else fails "my name is Penny and am a youtube addict"...so anyhu its midnight - my room is boiling over - am literally about to go sleep in the den - the story of my life lol cheap is really expensive but hey at least we get heat in the winter I can deal with no ac but no heat no way!!!so lets see what was I chiming in about oh yes mans search for meaning...so anyhu the otehr day I was chatting with a good friend of mine and he was tellign me how he has finally reached a point in his life where he thinks he has it all figured out - you know those moments your like eureka so this is it. wow just hearing him talk I was blown away he has finally figured that life in America can be deceitful if 1.)you do not know who you are and 2.)You do not know what you want in life.Many a times we compromise so much on so many things in our lives he went on to say he kept on repeating compromise compromise.and many times we do it because of a fear of what will people think if I do this what will people say if I say that so we kind of tend to not fully maximize our potential or do those things we want because of XYZ....oh so where was i so yeah anyhu america does not help the situation think about it so many times someone will pretend to hear what you said with your thick accent and even nod just because they do not want to say pardon or look ignorant like they could not understand and in so doing "offend you"......gosh its even so bad in the school system with the no child left behind policy kids are getting an I grade for incomplete as opposed to a C or F so that they are not offended and feel left behind and loose self esteem cmon give me a break!!!!!even the loosing team gets a trophy just for showing up gag!!!so anyhu my friend was telling me how he does not want to miss his opportunity in life - he was describing how all he does is work come home watch TV get on the internet back to work...and he is like no way am packign my bags and going back to my mother land.He has this grandiose idea that Kenya is on the brink of an economic burst and trust me I do not doubt it.so anyway what was the moral of this story oh yes...so many times we do not take that radical venture that am ready to take a plunge coz we are so fearful of what will others say what will other think of me and in so doing we compromise on who we are what we want and fail to reach our highest height of success....wait i feel am intertwining a million stories here....oh so yes my friend has finally figured that true life is reaching that point where nothing else matters but being led by something or someone greater than life itself - God, it could be a dream , it could be an ambition you have always had...so instead of just bouncing along the waves of life and allowing society to dictate you step up step out and realize who you are and what you want...ok I just had so much to say today .....adios...

Of special moms with special children

So here I am - wow so much has happened since I was last here which will be for another day wow a whole other day maybe a whole other blog....so its nine p I have been at Borders for the past five hours - gosh I think I need some kind of discount.I am using their free wifi and running away from the hot oven I call a room.so anyhu I have been productive - lol yeah right well kinda I have done a few modules of the online course I am taking-oh yeah I found my passion project for the summer - global health well actually call it a passion career.I have finally well I think found what I want to do in this thing called life.So I love to travel and I love to help where there is a need and I love to write so what better way than to merge the three together and put it in my career - I hope to work with an international NGO let me be specific hey God needs us to be specific with our prayer requests so yes I hope to work with Partners in Health as a project coordinator for one of their partner programmes - who knows maybe write out policies but I really want to get my hands dirty first with actual ground work.I want to meet the pregnant women , I want to hug the malnourished childrn.Partners in Health work in Haiti , malawi, peru rwanda . Lesotho etc.So they provide lasting solutions to issues of health in poor communities they partner with the locals - educate train start clinics etc etc I can go into a whole spiel so anyhu the long of the short I am taking a certificate in global health this summer - kinda get a feel of what is global health about and Bonjour Bonjour I also have French for dummies - most of the countries they serve are French speaking countries so hey I need to know how to get a cab...so thats me...oh my goodness where was I with this blog oh yes of special moms and special children...so anyway I work with a lady who has a little girl - we call her angel she was diagnosed with Retts syndrome when she was six months old - its a neurologic condition that affects mainly girls - something to do with the X chromosome yawn yawn stuff but anyway it causes developemental delays etc.So the girl is a sweetheart I tell you - she has the hugest eyes that look into your sould like seriously they gaze at you and you melt.So anyway her mum is so proud of her her camera is full of angels pics her whole life is absolutely dedicated to Angel.She spends her life championing the cause and raising awareness about Retts syndrome and making sure her little one gets all available resources in the community.I think about my classmate who has two twins - speaking of which I need to call her up I promised her a date with the twins anyhu they were born preemies - three months early.They are now four years old and the little girl just got off the trache breathing tube.Then I remember a lady I knew back in Kenya - Eva Muraya her little girl Zawadi was born with cerebral palsy - she is such a joy to be around...i was watching some documentary on CNN they did a piece on "mentally challenged" as the called them in Mathari - aka Mathare and they showed some woman whos son remains chained in a room as he gets "wild" she was holding him as she fed him and said she has never given up on him how can she - she was all he had...which got me thinking...it takes a special heart to be a mom of a child with special needs.But I think thats the beauty of being a mother - regardless of what pops out - you love unconditionally.Your ready too look at the special need or diability and say hey you know what these are the cards life has dealt me I can either throw them back at life or embrace them.I remember a line my mum once said when I tried to pity party her coz of the pain in her arms and back after lifting and taking care of my sister she said , " These are pains of love honey I consider myself lucky that God chose me strong enough to go through this." I was like wow!!!! if that statement does not rock your world gosh nothing will...so anyway thats my little spiel for today...I just thought I should throw that out there..its nine thirty am with the official geek squad of Peabody at Barnes and Noble - I mean duh who stays until they close talk of last call lol...over and out.P

"If what you can do can be done by anyone else there will always be someone willing to do it for less - "

from the book "never eat alone" cant remember the guys name...

I am not my hair

"I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations
no no no.."
I am a soul that lives within

So those are the lyrics from India Aries song I am not mhair - basically she is talking about how women are judged - well let me qualify that black women are judged initially by their skin colour one and two by their hair do - in short by outward appearance.This week I had two incidences where I came face to face with this reality.The first was at Walmart I had gone to buy sleeping wear - ahem ahem - yeah a girls got to do what a girls got to do.So it was a top and a bottom.When I had entered the changing room the llady who usually hands the tags was not there so I just walked in.When I came out she was there and immediately gave me a " I know what you did last summer look" as though I were up to no good.She immediately took the sleeping wear from me and said is this a three piece coz she only had two in her hand and immediately am like Oh my goodness this lady does not think I am trying to get away with taking something without paying for it and am like not its a pyjama suit and she did an oooh....then she quickly peeped into my basket.All the while I was so disgusted am like woman leave me the heck alone..just coz of my skin colour you be all up in my business - well maybe I was being paranoid but no trust me you know when you know there is dirty business going on..then the other one happened this morning i was driving home from work and i see some lady pulled over her bonnet was up she was all dressed for work.So the mother theresa in me pulled over backed up to go help her out.She remained standing with arms crossed as I asked her :You need a jump?" she was like yeah you would not know how to do it would you? am like sure I would.So she goes into this long spiel how she had been waving down the men and they all drove by actually ignoring her she said she di dnot even bother with the ladies as she was not sure that ladies could jump a car.So anyhu the longof the short I got her car jumped - (yes Denz all your lessons paid off) but later as I got home i begun to muse how funny that colour and gender are things I will have to overcome in this white male driven society.However to go a little deeper a verse somehere that says Man looks at the outward apperance God looks at the heart comes to mind when I think of the many times we as humans are so quick to make judgements on someone and what they can or cannot do based on how they present themself.I think of my bunker mate in high school who was blind - and how people acted different around her - kind of soft pity party kind and trust me that was the last thing she needed.I also have a friend here in MA who is dumb and partially deaf and I always look at him when a joke is cracked or people seem to be deep in this conversation that he has no idea what is being said and to play along he smiles or looks around sheepishly.I sometimes call him over and chir chat one on one with him - and I hope I am not comign off as being this pious goody two shoes oh no far from it - I am as guilty as anyone in seeing just the outward...oh well I can go on and on but i think the gist of the story is how or when will we stop stigmatizing a certain population or people based entirely on what we see.Like how do we reach that point where we see through the eyes of the heart - am I makign sense or doing one of my usual tangent talks...i guess I am its three thirty A.M it summer so you can imagine I can see the rays of sunshine well almost sunrise .....through the window babie!!!Oh here is a quote I got from a book on retts syndrome - oh now thats a story for another day - a beautiful lady I have come to know through work has a daughter with retts syndrome - look it up when you can so here is from a handbook that the retts foundation made for the parents

Dont walk behind me I may not lead
Dont walk infront of me I may not follow
Just walk beside me and be my friend
-Albert Camus

What next.com

So the title is from one of the most hilarious ads its some guy who is about to propose after dinner so the dishes are being cleared - the fiance to be comes rushing in with dirty plates just as he is about to pop the ring out of the box it falls into the sink drain.He looks up at the camera and the words whatnext.com flash across the screen.basically its an ad for that website where you can get yourself out of a situation when you feel stuck....So this week has been one of those what next kind of weeks - a good and dear friend of mine found himself in a situation where its an okay what next??There was the tornado in Joplin, MO that left the city totally devastated - like a whole city flattened like flat chapati flat. Wednesday Oprah had her last show - after 25 years of gracing our scree...So anyhu I have been thinking about different situations in life - especially this media driven society where news is good once its hot after that its stale bread.But then I think so what happens after the cameras are not flashing , after the curtain comes down, after the music stops - what happens to the lives of people who today are making waves and then tommorrow its like boom - the tide just drifted them away.I mean the media is so quick to shine a light on something happening in a certain part of the world and then when the next thing comes along its like the current story was a myth.I have so many examples - I think of the guy with the golden voice - the beggar discovered in Cleaveland with a radio voice - he was a hit for two days and then boom vanished into rehab - where is he? how is he doing? did he survive hollywood?I think of the people of Japan - the earthquake struck they made headlines for a week and then bam on to the next story - how are the families rebuilding their lives?how are the ones who were injured coping?I think of the earthquake in Haiti - we donated billions and then ok let them fend for themselves --how about that woman who lost her whole family how is she doing?The young girl with amputated legs - how is she coping?Oh my I think this was my main aim of this story Gabby Giffords - after the Arizona shooting she made headlines for a two weeks and then the last we heard she was in rehab - but how is she progressing? is she able to speak? Can she walk?I mean gosh my list is endless - so many times we get so caught up in the general story we forget to dig a bit deeper into the individual piece.I call it the power of follow up - and no not the after business meeting email - to thank the other party for their input and bla bla bla I mean the hey am checking up on you after what happened ho can I make this transition easier.Many a times until we are personally struck by a tragedy we tend to move on with our daily routine as long as whats happening does not affect us personally.Its easier to sit in the side lines specatate and pity party all day than it is to say hey I may not know what you are going through or have gone through but I hope just my prescence will show am genuinely concerned...Ok thats just me trying to be Mother Theresa - I guess as Denzz always tells me actions speak louder than words so let me practice what am preaching....through the window ;)

What does it mean to you?

So the service last Sunday was entitled - Loving others more than life.It basically described Christs love for mankind that he was willing to take all the scum sin and dirt and carry it to the cross.You know how you feel after you have done something you know you should not have - like lie to a good friend, cheat on your spouse or cheat on an exam - that guilt feeling you experience.Now imagine putting all those bad feelings from millions of people in one soul - murderers, adulterers, thieves, con-men and saying hey I will take it all so that you do not have to feel that way.I mean its mind boggling - the whole week I have been confronting what salvation means to me - was driving to work teh other day then a line from a song made me almost weep, "I know you had me on your mind when you climbed upon that cross.....every stripe upon your battered back, every thorn that pierced your brow and every nail drove through guiltless hands knows that your love knows no end.." When I think of salvation the scenario of a kidnapping always comes to my mind.The kidnappers have asked for such a huge ransom that the family cannot come up with.In the same way sin is like the kidnappers and the ransom was just too high for man to pay and then here steps this gentle priceless savior - I say priceless because he paid all the ransom for everyone and I mean everyone in double portion so what bound us (sin) says okay you can have your child back....yeah I know weird but thats what I think of the whole process of salvation.And I call it a process because as much as the ransom was paid the kidnapper is always on the prowl looking to take hostage but you see after the cross its makes this time different because the ransom has already been paid and all one needs to do seek repentance and so remaining hostage is more of a choice.Okay am I going off on a tangent here - someone catch me....I just thought of that and thought I should rant and rave a bit - seeing it has been a loong minute....so thats what I think what does salvation mean to you??

Are we consuming life or is life consuming us??

So I have just come from watching the NBA All stars final game.Yeah all the hot shots in basketball gather annually to show off who got skills who can dunk who can shoot the best three pointers etc.So the Celtics were fortunate to get four players in the final game and even two in the three point shooting contest.The performance was from yesterday all I can say is that is nothing even close to Celtic basketball.So today I wondered mmmh even the final game I think the four celtics only played for a quarter in terms of total time..Like they were literraly hanging out drinking Gatorade... I love you Celtics but today enyewe in Quabberian terms you HAD LIED!!!!So it go tme thinking the Celtics are so consumed by winning the 18th banner that am sure this whole thing is just like a yeah ok whatever lets get this over with can June get here already??After last years loss to the lakers its like they have been on a vengance quest all season long - am serious.Celtics have been playing to win it all season long so mambo ya All stars is just a distraction..But honestly I wonder how we as human beinsg sometimes get so consumed by achieving all these great things in life we forget to live in the moment.Instead of consuming life life is consuming us.The main point in my little shpill today is I am doing my psych rotation at a children unit and men can I tell you I have been shown first hand what teh pace of society is doing to the American children.Week after week I have watched children come in with all conditions from depression , suicide , cutting, anxiety and such internalized anger that almost brings me to tears.I look at those kids and wonder gosh is this the price we have to pay for the rate at which society has forced us to always feel we need to be on the move, always think that if we stay home the rest o fthe world is moving so fast and we are being left behind, always think that if we stop and play games with our children , hug them and laugh with them they will become spoilt brats.Gosh I have seen teenager after teenager come in with such heaviness relaying how they would like to throw themself off a bridge or infront of a moving car.It has been said the eyes are the window to the soul and it literally broke my heart when I looked and saw the depth of their sadness in their eyes.We run an art group and gosh most of the artwork seemed to be comign from a dark place.There were explosions in the sky one had a broken heart...all were ideas that in one way or the other depicted the storms raging within their minds....Most of them for one reason or the other have been abused or made to feel like they amount to absolutely nothing and others simply have been denied the ability to play and be children.My colleague told me being a parent in America is not easy and I think the same is also true - being a child is also not easy.From the mother working the 7a - 7p and the father going for the overnight shift or the other way around , to parents opting to have only one child , to face book corrupting the minds of the little ones , to peer pressure and bullying , to pedophiles who do not allow parents to let their children play on the street until dark. I mean yeah the Wii is great, internet has all this "cool stuff" , Iphones , Ipads, Ipods , kindles, the list is endless...There was a joke about how the t.v is used by some parents as the automatic babysitter.As the parent finishes work they have brought home, or even worse matybe the parent is just not home when little Johny gets home. I mean gosh I grew up in a society where my mother used to say, " Go and play and come home when they start turning the lights on at the neighbours," i.e when it becomes dark.And we would come back all bruised , tired but boy had we climbed those mango trees , played house and rode the bicycles all over the little town and LAUGHED......Gosh the gift of laughter pricelessss.I just have one thing to parents please let your children be children.Lets not let society dictate how we will raise them up..Medications are not to the cure for everything you can pump a kid with all the Ativan in the world but if you never hug him he will be anxious over and over again.My mum always used to shout when she got home, 'Have I hugged my baby today ?" and when she gave me the warmest hug all my problems of teh day seemed to melt away.So pls lets not get so consumed with chasing things that are temporary but let us invest time in chasing things that we will live with the rest of our lives.Lets learn to consume life and not allow life to consume us.....oh that feels much better - gosh writing is great therapy...its a little window of release.

Did you drop your smile??

So today I am at the point of super exhaustion I had a morning clinical for maternity - I got to see a c section - the tears that rolled down the fathers face as he took a video of the baby being pulled out - priceless.The little boy was the cutest cuddliest thing i love babies when they played the soft music they play when a baby is born of course I was the only one n tears in my group lol...So anyhu I got to give the baby his first birth can you imagine I felt like I had just been told to carry the World cup from point A to B. He was so quiet and I was handling with such care hadi he clinical instructor goes like "trust me he does not break." I felt like I would squeeze to hard on the skul oh it was such a great time the proud grandparents gosh Maternity is such a happy place....so anyhu after I had a class and as I was walking to class and some guy infront of me tells the lady who was coming towards me "Lady you dropped your smile." She literally bent down to pick something and as she was halfway down it hit her what he had said.Her face immediately broke into a wide grin.I found that so powerful -to think that the things that may at times be bugging us on the inside or worries that we sometimes hold on to can spill over into our facial expression.A phrase my sister always says about how beautiful it is when someone smiles through a storm.I remember the day she had her spinal fusion - and she probably does not remember this but as she was wheeled from the O.R to recovery despite all the meds, pain and discomfort she broke into a smile.Smiling through a storm is easier said than done - when things are lookign bleak we forget that worrying about it will not lighten the load.I always tell Dennis - always at a time when he is almost smash something furious lol to "stay positive' and I think one way of that is by smiling even when its really almost impossible.It takes more muscle to frown than to smile so what the heck!So my question to you did you drop your smile today????

Love is blind ..literally and figuratively...

I have been meaning to write this for a week or so now...I just have not had the time or lack or good prioritizing as adisa would say.It has been a minute since I was here - lets just say my summer was spent caged up in a place I have grown to love over two months...but thats a whole new blog for a whole new day...Lets just say it was a rollercoaster ride - from catching babies in Maternity to waiting for a medflighted patient in the E.R to drawing blood to hanging out with interpreter services to watching brain surgery to heart stents being placed it was a journey like no other - a gift that I was so humbled to receive.But today am not writing on that...though I would love to...I came to the conclusion last week that love is blind in all literal and figurative sense.So anyhu..I had the chance to spend an afternoon with a lady who was born with a form of macular dystrophy - which has caused her to be blind.So we hang out at the mall chatted for most of the while had dinner etc.We got talking and she begun to tell me how she met the guy she has been dating for the past three years and they are soon to be married.The whole romance story just blew my heart away - in a nutshell he fell in love with her from the day that he met her and of course she played hard to get for a while and bla bla bla the rest is history.So after the mall we got to hang out all three of us and just watching them interact just made me smile on the inside as I saw how we treated her like a queen - gently guiding her as they walked, squeezing her hand as they talked getting her cup cakes - yeah we had a midnight snacking binge with tea..I mean for a moment there I was invisible - the love in the room was so thick between them it got me thinking how love is so blind.... really it is...which then raises the question is love an it, is it a person , is it a feeling, or is love simply God.Is love Gods way of showing us how He does not see the outward He looks at the heart coz one of the things the lady told me that attracted her to Mr X was his selfless nature.His big heart as she put it.I mean we are trained as humans from an early age to see the container before we see the contents. Think about it as a kid you would not pick the plain cereal box... you went for the one with all the colours and promises of a Yoyo inside before you even saw the Yo yo.Ok so where was I going with all this mmmhh oh yah so its interesting how we write people off based on what they look like how they sound like or even how they dress.I wish we could learn to scratch a little bit beneath the surface - find out whats underneath that tough coat - whats treasures lie underneath the X marks the spot...I think I love love..its cliche but its true love makes the world go round.Everyone has that someone somwhere that loves them not for what they see but for who they are - on the inside.I mean its true what they say someone who is truly beautiful is beutiful first on the inside ok enough rambling...we have a tropical storm headed our way - Earl and as usual teh media is in a frenzy making such a fuss - i mean seriously people get a grip..you see thats the problem with the media they can almost be a cult.They make things into such a frenzy that people start beleiveing eveything that they sa..ok its one thirty a.m kwa dirisha baby..,,,


The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine - again someones facebook status...