I got a lightbox for Christmas. I purposefully requested my hubby to get me lightbox. I had never heard of them until I started working at the mental health agency I work. Their alias is "therapy light box." I am a lover if sunshine. Any picture my daughter (4) draws has a sun on it. She always says, "mummy I added the sun for you." In that same breath I am someone who oscillates between mild anxiety and mild low mood. I am someone who feel things deeply. I feel ALL my emotions deeply and can articulate what my body is saying / feeling at any given time. I grew up in a home where all feelings were welcome. Tears were never pushed to the side, tantrums were never wished away - and in that same token happiness and joy was deeply felt. All emotions were welcome and my parents gave us a sense that no emotion is bad - you just needed to embrace it and let it wash over you. Enter winter in Canada. We moved to Canada about four years ago. Two of those we spent winter in Kenya as a family and one of them we were in the thick of the pandemic. Enter this winter. All I can say so far - and it is January 2nd - winter in Canada is not for the faint hearted. I also can say winter in Canada is not for those like me whose mood flactuates with the weather.
The skies have been grey for the past couple of days. We get a pocket of sunshine for an hour or two but that is it. From the moment I pull open the drapes the sky is blanketed in grey and I sigh to myself, "another grey one." Today for some reason was a hard one. We were indoors - I think it was a combination of coming down from the holiday high - the food, the company etc etc. It was grey. I turned on the light box. It felt like it stayed on for all of 20 minutes - between my daughter pulling at the cord and pushing all sorts of buttons it did not last before I just turned it off.
There is just something I felt so artificial about having a therapy light box. I will give it another shot when I am alone without the kids but today my whole body was screaming, " Your heart is not home here. This cannot be it." Have you ever received clarity in a decision of some kind? Today I received clarity of which I was not even looking for. This cannot be my reality. I cannot sit in darkness for four months of the year. I felt my soul slowly disintegrating. I have no idea how the next few months will look like. But what I do know is I do not know how, I do not know when, I do not know how when but there has to be a way out for my family and I to spend these winters.
Glad to be back to have this space where I can vent.
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